Trip Reflections

 Hello from chez moi, where I have intentions to do sod all, after arriving home on Saturday. Since starting these entries, I knew that I wanted to do some sort of reflection of how things have been from my perspective.

Like every trip, some things go to plans, whilst other things do not, and I think coming into the trip, my mental health was in such a good place (in comparison to previous years), that I had finished therapy (which I had been in for for the past seven years). I had- perhaps overconfidently, thought that the issues that used to affect my anxiety and mood levels could all be dealt with a toolbox of techniques. So, when I began to experience that panic (probably on Day 2 of the trip), and couldn't get my usual strategies to work, the panic exaggerated itself even more.

I did experience similar in Latvia on my 2nd night of the solo trip I did at the beginning of the year. The symptoms I experienced then were comparatively more heightened, but that was the first time I had done anything of the sort, whereas I'd had a few trips under my belt this time round. Back to the present, though, and I did a fatal thing to do in the moment- compare. I thought that because I'd gotten over what happened in Latvia a day or so afterwards, the same would happen to me on this trip. I kept waiting, and waiting, but it never really happened, which made me more on edge. Because ultimately, I guess you can't really compare how you'll be on a 16-night trip in comparison to a 7-night one.

Ruminating is one of the worst parts of being neurodivergent, because once we encounter a situation, or interest for the first time, we tend to fixate on it. And it's fair to say that fixating on panic wasn't going to benefit me! 😂

Solo travel has many perks to it- especially from a neurodivergent perspective- you get to do things on your own terms, which theoretically reduces any anxiety about being stuck in uncomfortable situations. It also means that you can go wherever you want, and not bore those around you by wanting to go to yet another museum! But when you're travelling solo, you don't have someone to bring you back to reality when you need it. Because in my case, I think I became entangled in anxiety when having someone else there would have distracted myself from internalised thoughts. I did speak to folks at home whilst I was away, which is helpful, but it would have settled my nerves more if someone was there in the present.

That's not to say that I wouldn't go solo again- it gives me assurance in many ways. but can also make me need reassurance in many ways!! 😂

Anyways, the main points of reflection for me are:

• Don't spend 16 days solo (not to discourage others from doing it, though)
• ALLOW FOR REST DAYS!!! (Very important- no rest days = burnout)
• Don't say no to solo travel.
• Don't squeeze so many countries into one trip.
• Don't bank on anxieties being at certain levels based on previous experience.
• Allow time to rest before, and after, going away.

Whilst I have spoken about how overwhelming it has been at times, it undoubtedly has had its positives, and for that, I'm grateful that I did it. I've had to be proactive and think on my feet during this trip, which has subsequently pushed me outside of my comfort zone and made me feel more comfortable resolving issues I normally wouldn't want to deal with. Plus, seeing different cultures has been enriching, too. 

But! I feel the most important thing it has emphasised is that I can be resilient. 8 years ago, I couldn't leave the house due to agoraphobia, and just a year ago, I cancelled plans for a summer holiday in Croatia, because I was too apprehensive about doing it. So to visit 9 countries in one trip- well, I don't think that is too bad going 😃.

Thanks for reading my posts- I've enjoyed writing them, and have found it cathartic and helpful to offload.

Hvala (as they say in the Balkans!)

Tom 😃